Sisters of Sigmar FAQ by Freud

Please note: Games Workshop Ltd. is a company that likes to supress parody and satire. Thus they have asked ud to censor select parts of this FAQ.

Furthermore, we are compelled to state that this post-censorship version this FAQ does not necessarily deal with the Warhammer universe, as owned by Games Workshop Ltd.. This FAQ could be dealing with *any* fantasy setting, or a historical setting within the Holy Roman Empire where there is/was in fact a city called Marienburg.

Thank you for understanding.

        Email us with Sisters of [Censored] questions at coreheim|a|

Q: How come the core rules don't feature a core Warband like the Sisters of [Censored]?

A: Shortly after the fall of the comet, the sudden influx of drunken sailors caused the Sisters of [Censored] to wonder if monastic life was really all that hot.

Q: Seriously, why haven't you included the Sisters of [Censored]?

Young blond virtuous virgins in a lawless city filled with warring males - we couldn't take them seriously.

Q: What Mounts can the Sisters of [Censored] ride?

A: These:

Q: But the Sisters of [Censored] are pure and devout while the Witch Hunter Inquisition are corrupted!

A: Oh yearh, pure.

Captured Sister Superior: I am going to tell the Grand Inquisitor that you raped and sacrificed me to the Unholy Gods 18 times.
Satanic Cultist: But we only raped and sacrificed you to the Unholy Gods 17 times?
Captured Sister Superior: Yes, but hopefully it'll be a while until he arrives.


Q: YYou do realize that the Sisters of  [Censored]  operated out of a massive fortified keep, right? One that weathered the comet strike better than most of the city and was thus rather hard for roving warbands to break into? One where they welcomed any woman who wanted shelter from the sort of raping arseholes you seem to be glorifying? And they only came out in groups and well armed?

A: Indeed the sisters operated out of a massive fortified keep but then one day, one of the drunken mercenaries managed to convince a young sister novice that he had a very important message for her from her parents back home. 

They agreed that in order to relay her this message, she should drop the key to a secret back door in the fortress at a certain place in the ruins where he would then be able to pick it up.
And so he did. But as the sister novice would soon discover, there was in fact no such message from the young virgin's parents back home. So now the sister novice had a sordid, unwashed mercenary in her room and she wouldn't be able to call for help or she would have to explain to the strict matron mother how a drunken man-thing had gotten into her room.

Faced with only those two options, knowing full well what the matriarch's whip could do, but knowing nothing about men, the novice soon chose to indulge her nightly visitor and grant him his desire. 

Sweet was the sensation that each found in the other's embrace, yet the noise that accompanied their union was loud enough to awaken the young sister novice's neighbor in the convent; - a somewhat more experienced sister superior with golden blonde braids, a generous velvety bosom, and a lingering distaste for human males.

She had carried a distaste for the opposite gender ever since giving herself to her first male love as a teen. Later she would find him engaged with another woman, having invested nothing of himself (except his bodily fluids) in his relation with the then young and innocent teen. She was heartbroken and swore to herself never to become involved with men again.
Until now. 

aced with the sight of the uncouth and sweaty mercenary exerting himself to deliver his utmost to the inappropriately aroused young novice, the sister superior decided to have her revenge. Now he would pay. Now all males would pay, as would that disobedient young rascal of a novice. "Down," she cracked her whip, "down, both of you - kneel before me - now you shall serve my needs."
The more experienced sister joined in, directing the battle of the bedroom with the same tenaciousness that she normally directed a street fight in the ruins. Throughout the night she asserted her needs and acumen as 'superior' in more ways than one. Come morning, the three lay restfully at each others' side, contently celebrating the passion the three of them had shared.

Yet they had not been alone. Through the cracks of the door, another young sister novice had been peeping in from the hallway, too timid to intervene or otherwise call for help. Now that the action had died down, she broke down sobbing. Witnessing the actions of her two fellow sisters, she felt like everything the order stood for had been a lie. But she also felt a sense of social exclusion, having been left out of the delights that had been shared among the three.

Exhausted, yet finding the last flickers of her attention called to the young sobbing novice in the hallway, the sister superior went out to address the young subordinate: "There, there," she padded the young maiden on the head and ran her fingers through her verdant silky-soft hair, - "we shall have recourse to repeat the exercise, this time bestowing the delights of companionship on you as well."

Come the next evening, they were no longer three, but four. 

And two nights hence they were five. The convent of companionship grew and grew.

oon the whole monestary was trained to perform services that one would hesitate to ask of a professional. 

Q: Why is rape funny?

Jokes, like dreams, satisfy our unconscious desires. Jokes provide pleasure by releasing us from our inhibitions and allowing us to express sexual, aggressive, playful, or cynical instincts that would otherwise have no outlet in civilized society.

Q: I'm offended that you glorify rape.

A: But we don't glorify rape. We don't say anything positive about it, and if the person in question wants it (such as she does in our story), we're dealing more with something like a kinky sex game than forced copulation. And by the way, rape sucks.

Q: If you don't glorify rape, then why do people scream and bitch about it as if you did?

A: Did we forget to mention that part? Yeah, whatever you try to build or create -- be it a poem, or a new skill, or a new relationship -- you will find yourself immediately surrounded by non-creators who trash it. Maybe not to your face, but they'll do it. Your drunk friends do not want you to get sober. Your fat friends do not want you to start a fitness regimen.

Just remember, they're only expressing their own fear, since trashing other people's work is another excuse to do nothing. "Why should I create anything when the things other people create suck? I would totally have written a a better rule set myself by now, but I'm not going to make something shitty like these guys did! Oh yeah, on second thought, the vanilla rules are just grand, and they can't be improved at all."

As long as these people never produce anything, they kid themselves that they could have done better. If they had actually taken a stab at improving the rules, it would have been amazing. Not like the shit we made.

Q: I don't care what you say, I'm just going to repeat the rape accusation forever because if I act like a four-year old, then you're going to have to assume the role of responsible adult.

A: What you're doing is called focusing on the form to avoid hearing the content. Your actual beef is that we made a rule set that you feel threatens something you already know and like. But rather than offer an informed critique, you use the ingenious technique of digging through tangential material until you find a joke that is offensive when taken out of context, and then you talk and think only about that! Well, if a single offensive word can render an entire rule set unplayable, then you're a genius, boy. Great for you.

Q: Ok but I still think you guys are fat ugly virgins who hate women. Rape is offensive to women everywhere!

A: Now you're Focusing on the Messenger to Avoid Hearing the content, lol. Random trivia: There were women on the initial Coreheim design team and they had no problems with the jokes. What's offensive to women everywhere is being reduced to porcelain entities who need men to be offended on their behalf. In fact, grouping people together on the sole basis of their sex sounds and awful lot like sexism to us. People are individuals. They are not their gender or race.

Can we get on with the Sisters FAQ now?

Q: Why do the Sisters have Steel Whips?

A: Because you've been a bad, bad boy.

Q: Seriously, I imagine some great fluff with the Sisters being torn between their religious loyalties and their loyalty to the Imperium.

A: Great, so do we.

The Sisters were tending to a wounded Mercenary when the Matron Mother addressed her Nuns:

"I have just finished bathing him and we must be weary as to whether he worships the Unholy Gods. It appears that he has the word 'Maurg' tattooed on his penis."

"No, Mother Matron" said a young Sister Novice,
"I washed him yesterday and it says 'Marienburg'."

Q: How come the Sisters of [Censored] cannot use edged weapons?

A: So that male players can dream safely, without fear of castration anxiety.

Q: What do you call an Augur with a sex change operation?
A: A tran-sister.

Now that you have read this FAQ that does not necessarily deal with the Warhammer universe, but could be dealing with *any* fantasy setting. Please note that for the purposes of Mordheim explicitly, someone has posted an unofficial Sisters Lists for Coreheim. While interesting, we recommend that you stick to the Core warbands, and we cannot provide technical support for unofficial lists.

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